Forget what I said. That's not my priority now. Well, not "priority"... I just can't put my finger on it.

Guess what fucking happened at TKD tonight? I was almost literally off of the brink of my own sanity. I went completely mad today.... After the warmup, I realized, "Oh god... who the FUCK is that girl that's sitting by his mom... is that... who I think it is..." And my heart sank. Yup. I could tell, but I later found out: It was that douchebag named Gunnar's bitchy ugly girlfried. We were doing bag work, and it was then that I gave her nasty, nasty glares, gave him nasty glares and flipped him off several times, and was the loudest kia-er and the hardest kicker there. I wasn't playing around anymore.

After a while, I could NOT take it. I went into the changing room, into the bathroom... and sat there. I was too angry to cry. I hated myself, and I still hate myself. Why the fuck am I such a fucking loser? >x

My mom came back... talked to me... we almost left, but Amanda, my friend that's a black belt, showed up. We all talked. I sobbed, or at least try to. I couldn't seem to sob as hard as I felt I could. I felt sick. I thought I was gonna puke. I still do. Especially after I said all that shit about my mom. I swear to gawd there's every little fucking thing worng with me. I need all the help I can get right now.... I will not be psychologically the same, or sane, for about 6 or more months. Let me know when a year has passed. *sits under covers on bed and sobs*

She's ugly. And I'm not just saying that out of pure hatred.

And GO AHEAD AND JUDGE ME ALL YOU WANT. Just remember--the more you judge, the more of a chance you won't see me again. Ever.

If I were a bomb and could explode, I would have, with my best shot and all my heart.

They say that with good news comes bad news and vice versa. Well, with me, When good news comes, bad news comes that is tenfold worse than the happy news was good. When unfortunate news comes for me... I get nothing good in return.

Karma hates me. Fate hates me. People hate me, or so it seems.

Mood: right in the middle of pure, lagging sorrow, and pure, pure burning, fiery hate. You decide.

I'm currently listening to the Hyuponia level theme, King of Sorrow's theme, King of Sorrow Boss music and The Ballad of Sorrow... all from the Klonoa series (Klonoa 2). Hopefully it might help me a bit. Just a little, but music almost always does seem to calm my spirit.

I feel like there's a demon inside of me. Just waiting... ever so impatiently... to come out and play... well, not as bad as earlier, but the feeling exists, nonetheless. I had a mental and emotional breakdown. And even though it may all just seem like rambling, every little feeling and detail I describe right now expresses my mood entirely to you.

Oh, right, and I know it sounds cruel (Well, then again, that IS my intention), but I seriously wish for him to die of HIV/AIDS from his... *coughboyfriendcough*
Okay, so maybe not quite so much. I hate that no matter what, I will probably ALWAYS feel a great feeling for him. No matter how I try to hide it, deep inside, I am seriously in love with him. If he dies, it better be from me. Don't ask why....

I KNEW that I'd crash HARD AGAIN, but I just HAD to come back for more. I mean, I used to like him, and got upset cause of this. And I don't know why I came back... he is so... irresistably cute and sweet. *hopeless sigh*

<center>I wake up in the ealy morning
and wonder why I still exist.
Was it all a dream? Was it all a lie?
Or am I still trapped in this neverending hell?
Feelings I can't express into words
He likes her, she likes him.
Why can't anyone like ME?
Is it because I have no place in this world?
Should I just die here and now?
All I wanted was him
to be locked in his arms forever,
to be the "only one for you."
But it's clear
that that will never be true.
Is the end near, or is this the end itself?
I wonder to myself if I'll ever be able
to look you in the eye again....

I awaken to the light meekly peeping in
through a window
and the beautiful morning songs
but this is all nothing
without you.</center>

I KNOW IT SUCKS. I just thought it up from the top of my head... the beginning stanza was one I was thinking on all morning... and I just added on from there. So shhh.

OMG... it feels as if there's a million songs that can describe how I've been feeling... Iunno if I can ever list 'em all off. I'll start on it, and add on as I think of more....
I'm Not Okay (I Promise); One Way or Another; Headstrong; Ballad of Sorrow ((Klonoa)); Hyuponia Theme ((Klonoa)); etc.... Told ya I can't think of 'em all in one sitting....